Borderline Personality Disorder: The Intimacy Issue

If you are emotionally involved with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder, you may be asking yourself if that person is capable of emotional intimacy, as you are probably experiencing what has been termed a “Love-Hate Relationship,” or the Push/Pull Cycle of Borderline Personality Disorder.

The fact is, a person in the throes of Borderline Personality Disorder is incapable of adult emotional intimacy, because the very nature of the disorder decrees that they have not matured enough emotionally to the degree that is required to have emotionally healthy adult intimacy. They are caught in a cycle of emotional Push/Pull, or “love-hate.”
One of the major characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder is that those with the disorder will push away the very people they love (need) the most. This stems from child abuse or abandonment they suffered at an early stage of development, which led to them having Borderline Personality Disorder in the first place.
For someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, the past and the present are, many times, melded together. The core relationship, most likely the relationship with the mother, was damaged early in childhood, and their basic needs were not met. Carrying this damage into adulthood, something will emotionally “trigger” them back to these memories, and they will respond to their partner in the same way as they had to their mother (core relationship).

Since they had learned that their needs would not be met from their mother, they “assume” these needs will not be met from you – although this will not stop them from trying; thus, the push/pull cycle. The person with Borderline Personality Disorder draws you close, perceives (for whatever reason) that you will not meet their needs, then pushes you away. They will not even realize they are doing this, or why, as the cycle continues.

Another reason why your relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder will be such a stormy one is that they will have the unrealistic expectation of you that you can take care of them, when the reality is that they cannot even take care of themselves. Another characteristic of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is that they are needy and demanding. Again, however, with the push/pull cycle, they will seem needy and demanding one minute, and push you away the next minute (even as you try to meet their needs). They will seem to seek intimacy, yet at the same time they will reject that same intimacy, sometimes with anger and rage that you cannot understand. They can’t understand it, either.

Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder has an unstable sense of identity (self) and, again, because of what happened to them as a child with their parents, has a real problem with believing that they are (or can be) truly cared for or loved. They want to believe it, and may even begin to believe it, yet as soon as they do, again, they are “triggered” to their past, and they will react as they had learned to react in childhood – that they will not receive the love and caring they reached out for and so desperately needed. Subconsciously, they are thinking, “If I didn’t get it from my mother, why would I get it from you?” Although this is not rational, one of the biggest characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder is distorted thinking.

In order for the push/pull cycle to stop, the person with Borderline Personality Disorder must take responsibility for it; and they cannot take responsibility for it unless they are aware of it, and are willing to change the behavior. You can make them aware of it, but you (alone) cannot help them change it. You cannot undo the damage of the abuse they suffered as a child. The only way a person with Borderline Personality Disorder can change their destructive behavior is to seek help – they need psychotherapy; specifically, a type of therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which is designed to help people with this disorder.

Over time, it is possible for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder to become better; perhaps, even, to maintain an emotionally healthy adult relationship, if they are willing to seek help for their disorder, and if they are willing to change their destructive behaviors. Until a certain amount of healing is done, and insight achieved through help from a qualified therapist, someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is just not capable of emotional intimacy.

About the Author

David Oliver is the founder of BorderlineCentral.com a one stop source of information on how to cope and deal with borderline personality disorder.

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